


History of Wrong Guys

by MashpotatoeQueen5



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: (OH MY GODS I LOVE HERCULES SO MUCH TOO), AND HE IS CRUSHING, AND HE IS FAR TOO GAY TO DEAL, Alexander Hamilton Loves Coffee, Also implied assault?, Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Avoiding Awkward Situations, Awkward Crush, Awkward Flirting, Awkwardness, Bakery and Coffee Shop, Barista John Laurens, Boys In Love, Break Up, But no, But not between John and Alex, Child Abuse, Coffee, Coffee Shops, Crushes, Dorks in Love, Eliza is a sweetheart, Embarrassment, Gay John Laurens, He just wants the boy to WORK, He makes the dude pay, Hercules has a baseball bat, I LOVE HER SO MUCH, I don't know how a coffee shop works, I've been like, Idiots in Love, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, JOHN IS IN TOO DEEP, John Laurens is a beautiful cinnamon role, John Laurens is crushing harder than a thirteen year old girl, John is a barista, John is an awkward turtle, John is too busy waxing poetry about Alex, John's past boyfriends aren't all that great, Kinky boots, Lafayette is John's boss, Lafayette is long suffering, Lams - Freeform, No Sexual Content, Past Relationship(s), She deserved so much better, She's not a huge part of teh story, The History of Wong Guys, There is no sexual content, They are so cute, Though the college/university thing isn't really that important, We must protect him at ALL COSTS, all is well, at all, but - Freeform, but it's blink and you'll miss it, but it's true, essentially, i forgot, in total, nothing happens, to four, very hard, waIT.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-03
Updated: 2018-05-03
Packaged: 2019-05-01 17:59:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14526078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MashpotatoeQueen5/pseuds/MashpotatoeQueen5
Summary: In which John Laurens is a barista with a history of wrong guys, Alexander Hamilton is his latest crush, and Lafayette is his long suffering boss... and friend.(Based off the lams animatic that is on youtube that uses the song "The History of Wrong Guys" from Kinky Boots.)





	History of Wrong Guys

**Author's Note:**

> THIS IDEA IS NOT MY OWN.
> 
> All credit goes to Пруберт Цыпа on youtube, who created a marvelous animatic for Lams based on the song from Kinky Boots, "The History of Wrong Guys." The animatic is utterly amazing and really, really adorable and well made, and I definitely encourage that you watch it if you haven't already! Give this person all the love, cause they deserve it!
> 
> (Here's a link: https: //www.youtube.com/watch? v=31vEYPfhPsY)
> 
> I also drew some inspiration from the version of this song performed by Broadway Backwards- they're a LGTBQ+ awareness group that switches genders of characters singing musical songs- which you should also definitely check out!
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o5gd1FR4UOs
> 
> All I did was write the video in story format as close to the original as I could get it, but I hope you enjoy! 
> 
> ALSO! I almost forgot. There are some blink and you'll miss it mentions of child abuse and attempted sexual assault. It's not the focus of the story, and both are only present for a moment or two, but if this will bother you, please don't read. Your safety and happiness is more important!!!

“Thanks so much! You were really helpful back there.”

John smiled, tucking a strand of escaped hair behind his ear and glancing down at his notebook to remind him of the next order he was to bring out. Alex was grinning sincerely at him, tired eyes for once not having massive bags under them and seemingly aware of the world around him.

“Anytime!”

He was about to turn away and head over to the counter to pick up a cake for Table 3 when Alexander’s hands enclosing on his own stopped him in his tracks, the other man’s fingers holding on small notebook and pen and all.

“No, really. Thank you so much.”

John froze, staring, and Alex nodded and gestured back to the counter, commenting on how he better get back in line.

Not that John heard, of course, he was already far too gone.

_He’s so nice,_ he thought, and then he froze again.

_Oh no. Oooooh no. Don’t you dare, John Laurens, don’t you freaking dare-_

He looked up, eyes tracing the line to find Alexander Hamilton checking his phone. He was dressed in some baggy jeans and a shirt, looking like he was responding for a text or something similar. His eyes were slightly furrowed and he was leaning ever so slightly on the counter, and John looked at him and thought, _Gods, he’s beautiful._

And then-

_Quiznak._

_I think I have a crush._

Which wasn’t good. Which very much wasn’t good. He was falling for _Alexander Hamilton,_ of all people, who came into the coffee shop most days looking like a zombie, worked for six hours straight without looking up once from his computer and communicating with only grunts, and looked really cute when he sometimes fell asleep on his laptop and when he smiled and who had taken John’s hands and told him, “Thank you so much,” and-

_Shit._

He was in too deep already. He was in way too deep.

He glanced back at Alex.

So what? It didn’t matter _too much_ that he had a massive explosive crush on a guy, even if that guy was Alexander Hamilton. It didn’t matter that John Laurens was a notorious failure when it came to guys. It didn’t even matter that Alex was probably a thousand miles out of John’s league and very possibly not even _gay._

He could do this. Just walk up to Alex, smile a bit. Say, “Hey, after my shift is over do you want to go watch a movie or something.” See how he reacts.

It was cool. He was cool. It was all cool.

After all, people had been making bad choices since the beginning of time. It wasn’t like John was anything _special_ or whatever.

John wiped his hands on the mandatory apron, smoothing it out, and then brought them up to tighten his ponytail, his own brows furrowing in thought. He needed to wash the dishes soon, or Laf would be mad at him, but he could do this first. This was fine.

He walked up to Alex, trying to hide his nerves under a smile, opened his mouth to ask and then-

And then Alex was shifting, his shirt riding ever so slightly up on his side and John could see _skin_ and his mind was screaming _ABORT! ABORT!_ and his heart was flailing because _JESUS CHRIST HE’S ALSO HOT!_ and John turned right around and pretending to frantically check his notebook.

“Are you okay? You’re really red.”

He may have squeacked, jumping back an inch and whirling around to look up slightly into Alex’s warm brown eyes, who was _standing right there_ looking all concerned and soft and perfect and John was blushing so hard couldn’t even _function_ -

_He was way too gay for this._

“F-fine,” he managed, voice high and breathy, “I’ll just be- customers- heh- yeah-”

He pointed awkwardly in a random direction that rather obviously didn’t have any people in it and then he was hightailing it out of there.

_This is all Hercules’ fault._

Before, Alex was just that guy who did way too much work, drank way too much coffee, and fell asleep drooling on the coffee table at random hours. He wasn’t cute or crush-quality, just another customer.

But then Hercules just _had_ to insist on inviting him and Lafayette out to eat at that one karaoke bar place thing. It was Hercules who just _had_ to sit them down right near the entrance in the perfect position to see Alex come in with Aaron Burr- who was a smug prick- and actually put him in his place for once.

It was Hercules who invited Alex to their table for a round of shots. It was Hercules who allowed John to see Alex at his finest, bright and passionate and loud and intelligent, jumping on tables and smiling and winking and debating with such enthusiasm and skill that John was surprised that he hadn’t realized he had fallen for him right on the spot.

Yup. It was Hercules’ fault. John was going to punch him next time he saw him, because he didn’t have _time_ for yet another failed romance.

He walked behind the counter and started to wash the dishes, casting sneaky glances in Alex’s direction and trying to ignore how his heart skipped a beat every time his eyes landed on his figure.

Because Alex used to be so… meh- and now he was- well he was-

He was _perfect._

He was sweet and funny and _handsome_ and cute, and- and-

John couldn’t take this any longer. He needed Lafayette. He needed _moral support._

He turned off the sink and rushed through the employee’s door, eyes searching until they fell upon a familiar bop of curly hair. He hurried over, slumping dramatically on his friend/boss’ frame, making the taller figure start.

“Laaaaaaf…”

“Ah- yes, John?”

He whined, stuffing his face farther into Laf’s neck, making the French man cast him a strange look.

“It’s Aleeeex. I can’t- He’s too- _Mrphg_.”

Lafayette nodded serenely.

“I see.”

“ _Laf._ What am I supposed to _dooo_?”

Lafayette finally stopped polishing silverware or whatever he was doing, turning to put two hands on John’s shoulders, scrutinizing eyes tracing his frame. John simply shifted, embarrassed and awkward, and _still freaking blushing._

The man finally sighed.

“Alright, tell me about him.”

So John did, gushing about Alex’s eyes and his hair and his smile and his words and his intelligence and anything else that came to mind, and as he talked he slowly slid down until his back was against the counter and he was talking enthusiastically with hands and gestures and everything in between while Lafayette worked.

“- and he’s so sweet. You should’ve seen him, Laf, he just, held both my hands and was like- Thank you so much and I caan’t and I am so in love you don’t even understand-”

The French Man hummed and hemmed along until he finished polishing, and then he turned to John and interrupted him mid word.

“As… entertaining as this has been. What about work?”

John simply shook his head, eyes closed and hands crossed against his heart, the silly love struck grin unable to leave his face.

“I can’t. I’m so helpless.”

Lafayette rolled his eyes and walked away, tray of spoons and forks and knives in hand.

John leaned forwards and looked at his knees, hands in his own hair to keep him grounded.

Because _Alex._

Alex, who was bright and shining and so _nice._ Because John was a little crazy right now, and all he wanted to do was get to know Alex better a thousand times in a thousand ways, and his poor heart couldn’t _take_ it.

_Alright, Laurens,_ he thought to himself, _pull yourself together. You’re gonna go out there and ask him out._

So he stood, saw Alex holding his drink  at the end of the counter, his face tilting around as if he was looking for something.

_Or someone._

John almost didn’t dare to hope.

_(Almost.)_

But he did anyways, taking a few tentative steps out behind the counter, raising his hand to wave.

“Alex!”

His hand fell to his sides, and a beautiful girl with long black hair and smiling eyes and cute clothes ran up waving to his crush’s side. Alex grinned, laughing and calling the girl Eliza, kissing her on the cheek.

John felt something inside of him shrivel up and die, and he turned and he ducked behind the counter yet again, every muscle of his body tense.

Distantly, he could hear the couple talking, but he was too busy digging his fingers into his arms to really care.

“...Everything okay?”

“I wanted to introduce you to my friend, but he seems to have disappeared…”

“...How much did you sleep last night, Alexander?”

“He’s not some imaginary coffee induced figment of my imagination, Eliza. I swear, he was right here-”

John should probably go and introduce himself. John should probably go and say hi and stop wallowing in self pity. John _should._

But he didn’t. Instead, he just sat there, staring at his palms and feeling sorry for himself, because _He’s got a girlfriend, you flake! Why are they only nice when they’re unavailable?_

Alex and Eliza were wandering away, now, and John was heaving himself up to his feet, all his energy from a few minutes ago magically drained away from him. He felt as if he was walking through sludge, and he put dishes and platters away and got a piece of lemon pie out from under a glass for a wiry old lady who smelled like nail polish.

And then, when he was done with that, he meandered into the break room and sat down with his head in his hands.

It wasn’t like John _wanted_ this. It was stupid to get hung up over some guy who he had only officially ‘met’ a few times, even if he had known of him for months now. It was stupid and immature and ridiculous, and John wasn’t going to be one of those silly stereotypical ‘’star crossed lover’ types who couldn’t let it go.

He wasn’t.

They were probably better off as friends, anyways.

_Yeah, right._

He allowed himself his pity for a few minutes, head still buried in his hands. He _wasn’t_ going to cry about some stupid guy, cause heaven knows that he had already cried enough over broken hearts already.

He just wished that for once in his life something would go _right,_ that for once in his life John was going to get the happy ending instead of the break ups and the makeups and the pain and the humiliation.

Lafayette came halfway through his pity party, a tray of cupcakes in one hand while the other landed gently on his shoulder- _and really, Lafayette put up with a lot with John as his friend, and John didn’t thank him enough for it-_ and a concerned, “You okay, honey?” filtering through.

John took a breath, nodded, swiped at his eyes and stood up.

He had been here before, he knew the drill. It was just a crush and John would get over it and he would be _fine_ and he would move on. He said as much to Lafayette, who raised an eyebrow- obviously not quite believing him- and said, “Alright, if you’re okay, then get back to work.”

And John said _Okay_ and he did.

He manned the coffee making machine, making lattes and mochas and whatever Lafayette called out to him to do, one styrofoam white cup after another until it all blurred together.

_Besides,_ his mental monologue ran along, _it’s not as if I’ve been crushing on him forever. Yesterday there was_ nothing _and it’s only today that there’s been that spark, that something that I can’t ignore…_

And then he was rambling again to Lafayette, because _Alex,_ and he was spinning around the room as he took care of coffee after coffee, words rushing to his mouth in a never ending rush until at last he turned around and came face to face with one of his coworkers, who had arrived to take over the next shift.

They both froze, staring, and John cleared his throat and gestured and inched away as fast as he could in utter mortified embarrassment. Lafayette was laughing at him, and John threw him the finger and hurried away to get a broom for something to do.

_Really,_ he thought, _I should write a book about all my romantic failures. It would be a top seller, for sure._

The first chapter would be about Daniel, who had invited him out after coming in for a few days in a row at the old diner he used to work at, and John, new to New York and excited about the fact that an _actual real guy_ had asked him out to an _actual real date_ , had accepted and smiled and been so stoked for everything to fall into place.

That excitement dimmed after finding out that Daniel- if that was even his real name- was a bum off the streets and had only invited him out to try and steal his wallet, which… sucked, to be honest.

The second guy had been one of John’s coworkers at the diner. His name was Richards and he was nice and he laughed a lot, nudging John’s shoulder and pointing out weird customers that he thought were funny. John had _liked him,_ had liked him rather a lot.

His affections were not returned. In fact, when John actually tried to tell Richards about them, ho coworker had started spewing insults and giving shoves and John had had enough homophobia with his Father- _he thought New York would be better why wasn’t it better-_ and had quit his job the very next day.

(That night, he had dreamed of a bigger man’s heavy hands and slurred cussing, and that man was a lot more terrifying than Richards could ever be.)

It was around that time John had met Lafayette and Hercules and had moved in with them at their cozy apartment just off of the college campus. It was nice, and Lafayette put in a good word for him and he got a job at the cafe, and life was good.

Which was when Chapter 3 of ‘John’s disastrous love life’ occured and he met Arnold, who shared his art history class and had invited him out for a few drinks. John had stupidly agreed, and they had gone out to some run down bar where Arnold had gotten John drunk very, very quickly- he was a bit of a light weight- and had then insisted on walking him home.

Which might have been nice, if Arnold hadn’t then insisted on getting into John’s bed.

John, flustered and drunk and very much _not_ liking the new circumstances, had yelped when the man had grabbed his arm and had started tugging him inside, which in turn led to the story of how John and Lafayette learned that Hercules kept a metal baseball bat under his bed and was very much not afraid to use it.

(He wasn’t sure what Hercules’ had said to the man, because Lafayette had dragged him into his bedroom and had been holding him- crooning in French as John calmed down- but Arnold never bothered him again.)

John took a break with all romance involved things for while after that, but eventually there was this transfer student and he was redheaded and quiet and he and John did a lot of studying together and eventually John asked him out.

His name had been Ferdinand, and had quietly smiled and fumbled through an explanation about being straight and having the biggest crush on a girl he knew and John had smiled and laughed it off and pretended it hadn’t hurt, even if he was happy Ferdinand remained his friend and that the guy eventually got together with his crush.

Then there had been a Jason, but Jason had already been happily dating another guy in a long distant relationship.

Chapter Six would have to be Vaugn, who actually was pretty perfect. They dated for four months, and John was so happy, and they went out to parties and John got to say ‘My boyfriend’ and Hercules and Lafayette got to tease him and life was _good._

And then Vaughn had come to him one day and had quietly explained to him about how he had fallen out of love, and John’s heart had broken even as he said he understood, even as his mind asked what he had done wrong.

( _Because everyone always leaves him, in the end. Because John isn’t really the one who ever gets to stay.)_

Five months later, John tentatively went on a blind date that one of Hercules’ fashion friends had set up, and met Charles Lee, who would have formed the seventh chapter of his book.

Charles was… fine. At first, at least. He was a bit loud, a bit abrasive, but he also wasn’t afraid to say what he believed and he and John went and did a bunch of sporting stuff together, and the adrenaline rushes were fun. John wouldn’t have said he was in love by any means- not so soon or so fast, not after his last failures- but he was having a good time on their dates, and he thought that was the important bit.

And then the comments started.

Stupid tiny comments about his weight and his posture and his eating habits and his freckles, about his drawings and his career choice, and it made John feel small and insecure and _stupid,_ and he’d sit up late into the night with his arms wrapped around himself, telling himself it was _fine,_ even though more often than not those little comments struck upon the small cords of insecurities that John had buried deep, deep down when he first arrived at New York.

It didn’t last long after that, because Charles had the audacity to insult his friends- _and really, Lafayette was perfect in every way, what kind of sick bastard would ever insinuate otherwise-_ and John punched him the face and dumped him on the spot.

Romantic disaster number eight had a weird tendency to make John question everything he did. They met at the GSA club, and the guy asked him out, and he had said sure because he seemed decent and why not?

This was why not: every little decision John made was met with a judging look from Oscar, and by the end of the second date he had had more than enough of it.

Boyfriend Hugo came next, a nice enough guy who took him out to see the new Marvel film and then to see his mother of all things to pick up some boxes. He hadn’t minded all too much, but the day after John received a call from Hugo saying that the mother hadn’t approved of him, and that there wouldn’t be any more dates.

Which was sort of… a jerk move, really. And kind of immature. But John just wearily accepted it. He wasn’t sure what he expected, at that point.

Then he had thought to himself, _No more._ No more romances, no more dating, no more silly crushes that were unrequited. He had sworn it to himself crying in Lafayette’s and Hercules’ rooms in the middle of the night, the pair of them trying and failing to comfort him.

And he had done it. He had done it for _months._

And then there was Alex. Alex, who had a girlfriend named Eliza, and was way out of his league.

Life hated him. It really, really hated him.

“John! I have a mocha and a latte to bring for the counter!”

“Coming!”

He grabbed the coffees and started heading to the front, mentally fortifying himself.

He wasn’t going to do this again. He wasn’t going to get _burned_ again. It didn’t matter that Alex was cute and amazing and smart and kind. It didn’t matter at all. John was going to get up and get over it, and that was that.

He placed the cups down on the counter perhaps a little too hard, ready to look up and give his customary, “Thanks for coming!” only to realize he was looking into the warm brown eyes of Alexander Hamilton.

His breath caught in his throat. His face flushed red.

_I can’t,_ he thought, _I can’t. I’m so in love._

“John! I was looking for you earlier. I really wanted to introduce you to my friend Eliza, here.”

_Wait, friend? Does that mean…?_

John put on his best smile, a small blossom of hope starting to unfurl in his chest.

“It’s nice to meet you, Eliza.”

The girl smiled, eyes shining.

“You too, John! We’ll get going now, leave you to your work and all that. Have a nice day!”

They started to leave, only for Alex to pause and glance back.

“Hey, um, I’m taking part of a debate tournament this Saturday at 6:00PM at the community center down the street. I don’t suppose you’d want to come?”

John stared, blinked several times, let out an awkward laugh cough hybrid and cleared his throat nervously.

“Heheh- I’d, uh, I’d love to! That sounds great. ...I’ll see you then?”

Alex grinned again, that perfect grin that made John want to cry from how beautiful it was, and he felt like he was vibrating in place from sheer excitement.

“Looking forward to it!”

John waited until the little tingle of the bell signified that Alex was out of the shop, and then he was turning and sprinting to the back, a grin splitting his face.

“Laf! Laf! You’ll never believe this!”

Somewhere, deep inside the cafe, Lafayette let loose a very loud, very tired, and very, very exasperated sigh.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!


End file.
